Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
