I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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