I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize