I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I had to cum in my sink.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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