i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
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