After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
This house was built for laser tag.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
