He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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