apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize