Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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