I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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