Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
