I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
