she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
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