I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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