my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
