great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize