i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
