Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
