wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
