There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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