I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
