Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
