It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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