Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
