I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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