I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
