When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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