Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize