She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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