Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
