Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
