hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
