i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
