White coat. Heels.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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