You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
