Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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