I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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