me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
