My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Randomize