all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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