god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
