do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Randomize
