i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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