i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
