i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
