I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
