No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
