life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize