did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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