next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Randomize