apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
