I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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