Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
