I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
