my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
it's like heaven, but drunker
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
