batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
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