My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
