FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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