Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
