smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
they call him Oral-B. enough said
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
So much Jack, so little girl.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
