I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize