just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
