You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
