I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
