like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
