youre lurking in front of me
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
